The other day, my family and I were having dinner when, at one point, there was a lull in the conversation, which I [o so brilliantly] quickly came to fill with the statement, "You know, I was thinking about it the other day...I really don't remember too many happy things from when I was younger." [Yes, I really did say that.] Of course, my parents just stared at me, and my sisters squirmed, during the awkward silence. Soon, though, my mother filled the new [and more awkward] lull, saying, "Well, Kate, sometimes it's easier to remember the bad things." She then went on to prompt my memory of many fond memories [family trips, funny moments, friendships, enjoyable outings, etc.], and I realized that the happy memories were much more numerous than I had initially thought. In fact, they greatly outnumbered the less pleasant memories. I couldn't help but wonder why I could only immediately recall mostly "bad" memories [i.e. fights with siblings, getting in trouble, etc.].
I think I've always had a hard time with family stuff. I have always had an active life outside of home that has kept me away from my family for much of my youth [voice lessons, active community service, and dancing 30 hours a week from ages 10-18 does that]. So, when I would go home, I would only be able to compare it to, what I viewed was, my idyllic world of extracurricular activities; in my eyes, I was more of an "adjunct" child/sister. However ungrateful or selfish it might sound, part of me never wanted to return home...I just wanted to keep doing what I loved. My family put my active world of perfection to the side and replaced it with reality. Thus, I think that I have usually associated my family with "bad" things [i.e. things I cannot control], resulting in the seeming overabundance of negative memories.
Now, my family life was/is not bad at all. I have been very blessed with two loving parents, two very nice younger sisters, and a welcoming and caring home environment. Of course, my family has had its ups and downs, but certainly nothing extreme has ever happened. My issues with my home life revolved around my inability to accept that things were never "perfect" at home; that is, things were out of my control. In fact, I have had an outstandingly happy youth.
In the past few years, I have come to recognize my deep control issues, but my recent outburst has helped me reflect on this revelation even more. How can I want to be a good mother if I cannot even fully embrace the family in which I am only a child? How can I function in any kind of family if I cannot deal with anything that I view as imperfect or undesirable?
My initial explanation for my negative association with family was that I am simply a terrible, selfish individual. But after much reflection, I have decided that that is not the case at all. I am not at all ungrateful. I am not extremely selfish. I never have been. I simply like things to be perfect, to be the best not only for myself but also for my family. I want everyone to be as happy as possible, and when that doesn't happen, I simply get frustrated and upset. No matter how badly I want everything to go exceedingly well, things rarely go according to my chimeric plans.
Hopefully, I will eventually be able to channel my intense desire for everyone to be happy in a way that will allow me to embrace my family life to its fullest. I think that a lot of people, especially mothers, struggle with this same dilemma. It is hard to let go and let reality take place. It is hard to face the fact that not everything can go according to plan. I imagine that this is something with which I will continue to struggle, especially if I ever have children. As my parents have shown me, sometimes the best thing for a parent to do is let go of any dreams of their children's utter, picturesque perfection in order to deal with the presented reality so that a different kind of perfection can be attained. One day, I hope that I will be instilled with such outstanding parental capabilities.
I guess it's been a good reminder that I still have some growing up to do.
