Sexy Thursday Talk

Below is a response I gave to a talk entitled "The Joy of Sex: A Christian Perspective." I found writing it to be great time for reflection and thought on marriage. Even though the response isn't explicitly feminine, it certainly was a distinctly feminine perspective. I hope that you get something out of my [rather organized] ramblings:

I’m sure that everyone is at least somewhat familiar with the ever-popular Taylor Swift song, “Love Story.” But just in case you don’t remember it, some of its lyrics include:

“Romeo, save me, I’ve been feeling so alone. I keep waiting for you, but you never come. Is this in my head? I don’t know what to think. He knelt to the ground pulled out a ring, and said, ‘Marry me, Juliet, you’ll never have to be alone. I love you and that’s all I really know. I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress. It’s a love story, baby, just say yes.’”

Nice, right? Many of Swift’s lyrics ring true with me and with many of my peers. A lot of us feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness and hopeless waiting when it comes to our desires to have a great and joyfully intimate relationship. I know that I am personally very excited about the prospect of marriage and finding that “special somebody.” All too often, though, many of us, Swift included, put immediate gratification, whether it be emotional OR physical, before what I think the true love story is—Some might delve into relationships simply to stop feeling alone, others might simply “hook up” to try to fill this void. The love story, for me, though, is more than the ring, the white dress, or the “wedding night” sex—the love story is the actual relationship that comes before, during, and after the physical intimacy, and it is precisely this story, this history between two people that I think makes sex and any intimate relationship genuinely joy-filled.

While the fairytale idea is nice to sing about and important to have in that it establishes ideals, I firmly believe that a real love story should be understood as so much more. It should be founded in an understanding that the relationship should deeply acknowledge Christ’s love for us and Christ’s call for us to walk together, especially in romantic relationships, as His disciples. The problem with people wanting an immediate fairytale in which their partner asserts, “I love you and that’s all I really know,” is that there seems to be no room for either person to grow; and in not recognizing any space for growth and fooling oneself of perfection, we are depriving ourselves of the joys and the closeness to Christ that come from bettering ourselves and more deeply recognizing our sinfulness. Such recognition is what I find to be an essential part of being a disciple, part of wanting to not only better serve God but also our fellow humanity; and a truly intimate relationship should encourage us to be the best disciples we can be.

But what I think is even worse than trying to have an unattainable fairytale relationship is settling for immediate physical gratification and intimacy in having casual sex—“hooking up;” even though this could bring about some sense of elation, it is not at all the joy that is intended to accompany sex. It completely lacks any idea of growth or discipleship—it is based in an almost primal desire to fulfill “wants,” wants that I imagine sex void of any genuine friendship and understanding can never meet. People are more than physical beings; we have souls that should be nourished by all that we do, especially such deeply intimate actions as sex.

But…what college kid wants to have to deal with “rules and standards” that would come from deep contemplation about what a romantic relationship means? Rules and standards, for many of us, scream of losing freedom, and a loss of “freedom” inherently means less happiness…right? [pause] Well, I think that’s wrong. It is in maintaining certain rules, like saving oneself for marriage, remaining chaste, and looking at any solidly intimate relationship as being based on more than sex, that I believe we can free ourselves to more openly experience God’s grace and the joy that accompanies physical intimacy in allowing us to more deeply connect with another person who truly understands us at all levels of human complexity.

But Georgetown students simply don’t “make” (or we might prefer to say “have”) the time to build a genuine love story—doing what feels good and is easily pleasurable fits much better into our planners and calendars. Many don’t even take the time to build the truest kinds of friendships—and if we cannot even find time to build friendships that are based on more than temporal pleasures like partying and drinking, it is unlikely that we will find time for any kind of genuinely joy-filled romantic relationship. Just as having an immensely joyful, genuine, and respectful platonic relationship takes a certain amount of time, experience, and understanding to develop, any truly fulfilling physically intimate relationship requires the same…and, most likely, even MORE time. For me, the true “love story” to is a story of friendship, helping, learning, and growing, accompanied by joyful sex and intimacy while building a domestic Church.

It’s probably clear now that I’m not the biggest fan of Swift’s rather vacant take on the love story. And even though Taylor Swift’s love story might seem to promise a “happily ever after” ending, the fact remains that she uses Romeo and Juliet, one of literature’s most tragic romances, as an allusion for her idyllic relationship, and in doing so, the song implies her story’s unrealistic expectations...chances are…any relationship’s excitement that comes from the prospect of a white dress and overwhelming emotional love, is not going to bear the fruits or the joy that a relationship founded in the idea of discipleship would. In fact, it will probably end, possibly even tragically.

So, seeing as I might have ruined “Love Story” for some diehard T. Swift fans, I feel I must leave you with another song that I think more beautifully captures all that one should really hope to have in a romantic relationship and physical intimacy: “For Good” from Wicked.
Glinda says to her friend, Elphaba:

“People come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn. And we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return.”

I truly believe that the best friendships challenge us to grow. And since sex is so deeply connected to the different levels of the self, the most freely given sexual intimacy is based in this best form of friendship. And it takes time for this essential friendship to be built…it takes time to live a genuine love story…and I am confident that it’s certainly worth the time commitment and the wait.

Learning to Relax

I've never been good at relaxing. Never. My mom even recalls that I was a terribly serious baby [it's part of who I am]. But, who can blame me for being this way? I mean, growing up, my mother was all about the "being productive" and "getting things done;" sitting around and relaxing usually meant laziness and a lackadaisical attitude [and, I am not a fan of laziness]. Even now, in adulthood, resting bears these same negative connotations [especially for women, who constantly feel a drive to "prove themselves"].

In response to these reflections and realizations, as any decent scholar of Aristotle would do, I have recently embarked on a journey to force myself to

chill the [*insert (dainty) expletive of choice*] out.

What does this entail, you ask? Well, for me, it means setting aside one day a week where I do not allow myself to do any work [homework, school related emails, grocery shopping, or anything of these sorts]. It means setting aside this day for prayer, contemplation, leisurely reading, letter-writing, wine [and bourbon] drinking, and spending time with friends.

While many may think this sounds like an "easy" task, it really is quite difficult. An extraordinary amount of self-control is involved in making this day of respite work. I have to have all my homework done, plan meetings around it, and give up some social outings when work must be completed in order to permit my resting day. But, while these other consequences might seem like major negatives, I am beginning to appreciate the beauty in giving myself this much needed break.

I am enjoying my work more than ever, and I enjoy any "fun" time I do have, because it is completely of my want/will and not out of pure convenience or boredom. I am starting to seriously reflect on my life and better understand where I am and where I need to go. Despite the occasional gut feeling that I should be doing something more clearly "productive," these days of rest have become the highlight of my week, and the peace that comes with them tends to permeate my working days.

In a world where we are all so focused on completing tasks, it's nice to escape from that mindset, even if only for a day. I think if more people took on the challenge of setting aside a day to rest, we would begin to enjoy life much much more. Through such respite, people could grow in ways that over-productivity does not allow, because rest allows reflection. For women, this would mean taking time aside from proving ourselves in order to truly know ourselves. For mothers and fathers, such reflective time would help them be be better and more joyful parents. Everyone would simply appreciate life more.

We need to take breaks so that we can briefly stop proving ourselves and simply let ourselves be and grow. We need to just let ourselves soak in life, free of worries.

Lamenting the Loss of Hospitalty

Picture this: Frank stops by his friend [not acquaintance] Julia's house to return a book he borrowed. Julia opens the door enough to grab the book [a movie is playing in the background], thanks Frank for bringing it back, and starts to close the door. There is no mention of a busy schedule that prevents hospitality, no inquiry as to how Frank's day was...not a single remnant of polite conversation.

-------

We live in a world where people constantly whisk friends out of their houses so they can return to their homework, emails, or TV show, and where people generally lack charity in dealing with others. And I just don't get it.

Growing up, my mother always taught me and my sisters not only proper guest etiquette but also proper hosting etiquette--both such lessons were deemed proper, especially for young ladies, to learn [such etiquette applies regardless of age]. Simple gestures like offering a glass of water or a cup of tea, or even just offering a seat, to a friend who drops by are lovely ways to show someone that you truly care. These gestures provide opportunities for you to grow closer to your friends or even open the door to rewarding and fruitful discussions that you might not otherwise have shared [Of course, if you are genuinely too busy to talk to someone, it is fine not to offer, but you should then express your apologies for not having time at the moment and explain why].

So, why are we no longer embracing simple hospitable behaviors? I cannot help but blame our overly-busy lifestyles. In fact, I imagine that many people of my generation did not have the pleasure of learning how to host from their mothers because their mothers worked and didn't have time or a desire to impart such "domestic" knowledge upon their children. Many typical feminists might even assert that such knowledge about etiquette would only serve to unravel recent times' championships...they might say that we should reject such lessons in order to completely "overcome" our terrible past in which women were stereotyped as domestic housewives who simply doted over their family and all guests.


Hmmmm...Rejecting the idea of actually demonstrating that you care....How rude [and mean].


I find the inherently caring nature of women to be one of the most beautiful gifts that comes with being feminine. It is a shame that I have sometimes found my male friends to be more hospitable and generous than my female ones [this is not to say that I am not happy that guys are being so generous---I think it's fabulous that the burden of hospitality no longer only falls on ladies]. At the same time, it's not girls' faults if they don't know how to show compassion and charity in the little things...I truly do blame parents [especially mothers].

In a world where manners and politeness are commonly left for "special" occasions, we seem to have lost sight of the importance of kind [little] gestures' in establishing and maintaining good friendships [I don't care how close you are to someone; standards of politeness must always be maintained].

The sad thing is, I don't know how this will ever change...unless young ladies [who haven't had the pleasure of learning such etiquette from their mothers] start recognizing the loss of their more caring sides and change their behavior accordingly.