I’m sure that everyone is at least somewhat familiar with the ever-popular Taylor Swift song, “Love Story.” But just in case you don’t remember it, some of its lyrics include:
“Romeo, save me, I’ve been feeling so alone. I keep waiting for you, but you never come. Is this in my head? I don’t know what to think. He knelt to the ground pulled out a ring, and said, ‘Marry me, Juliet, you’ll never have to be alone. I love you and that’s all I really know. I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress. It’s a love story, baby, just say yes.’”
Nice, right? Many of Swift’s lyrics ring true with me and with many of my peers. A lot of us feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness and hopeless waiting when it comes to our desires to have a great and joyfully intimate relationship. I know that I am personally very excited about the prospect of marriage and finding that “special somebody.” All too often, though, many of us, Swift included, put immediate gratification, whether it be emotional OR physical, before what I think the true love story is—Some might delve into relationships simply to stop feeling alone, others might simply “hook up” to try to fill this void. The love story, for me, though, is more than the ring, the white dress, or the “wedding night” sex—the love story is the actual relationship that comes before, during, and after the physical intimacy, and it is precisely this story, this history between two people that I think makes sex and any intimate relationship genuinely joy-filled.
While the fairytale idea is nice to sing about and important to have in that it establishes ideals, I firmly believe that a real love story should be understood as so much more. It should be founded in an understanding that the relationship should deeply acknowledge Christ’s love for us and Christ’s call for us to walk together, especially in romantic relationships, as His disciples. The problem with people wanting an immediate fairytale in which their partner asserts, “I love you and that’s all I really know,” is that there seems to be no room for either person to grow; and in not recognizing any space for growth and fooling oneself of perfection, we are depriving ourselves of the joys and the closeness to Christ that come from bettering ourselves and more deeply recognizing our sinfulness. Such recognition is what I find to be an essential part of being a disciple, part of wanting to not only better serve God but also our fellow humanity; and a truly intimate relationship should encourage us to be the best disciples we can be.
But what I think is even worse than trying to have an unattainable fairytale relationship is settling for immediate physical gratification and intimacy in having casual sex—“hooking up;” even though this could bring about some sense of elation, it is not at all the joy that is intended to accompany sex. It completely lacks any idea of growth or discipleship—it is based in an almost primal desire to fulfill “wants,” wants that I imagine sex void of any genuine friendship and understanding can never meet. People are more than physical beings; we have souls that should be nourished by all that we do, especially such deeply intimate actions as sex.
But…what college kid wants to have to deal with “rules and standards” that would come from deep contemplation about what a romantic relationship means? Rules and standards, for many of us, scream of losing freedom, and a loss of “freedom” inherently means less happiness…right? [pause] Well, I think that’s wrong. It is in maintaining certain rules, like saving oneself for marriage, remaining chaste, and looking at any solidly intimate relationship as being based on more than sex, that I believe we can free ourselves to more openly experience God’s grace and the joy that accompanies physical intimacy in allowing us to more deeply connect with another person who truly understands us at all levels of human complexity.
But Georgetown students simply don’t “make” (or we might prefer to say “have”) the time to build a genuine love story—doing what feels good and is easily pleasurable fits much better into our planners and calendars. Many don’t even take the time to build the truest kinds of friendships—and if we cannot even find time to build friendships that are based on more than temporal pleasures like partying and drinking, it is unlikely that we will find time for any kind of genuinely joy-filled romantic relationship. Just as having an immensely joyful, genuine, and respectful platonic relationship takes a certain amount of time, experience, and understanding to develop, any truly fulfilling physically intimate relationship requires the same…and, most likely, even MORE time. For me, the true “love story” to is a story of friendship, helping, learning, and growing, accompanied by joyful sex and intimacy while building a domestic Church.
It’s probably clear now that I’m not the biggest fan of Swift’s rather vacant take on the love story. And even though Taylor Swift’s love story might seem to promise a “happily ever after” ending, the fact remains that she uses Romeo and Juliet, one of literature’s most tragic romances, as an allusion for her idyllic relationship, and in doing so, the song implies her story’s unrealistic expectations...chances are…any relationship’s excitement that comes from the prospect of a white dress and overwhelming emotional love, is not going to bear the fruits or the joy that a relationship founded in the idea of discipleship would. In fact, it will probably end, possibly even tragically.
So, seeing as I might have ruined “Love Story” for some diehard T. Swift fans, I feel I must leave you with another song that I think more beautifully captures all that one should really hope to have in a romantic relationship and physical intimacy: “For Good” from Wicked.
Glinda says to her friend, Elphaba:
“People come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn. And we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return.”
I truly believe that the best friendships challenge us to grow. And since sex is so deeply connected to the different levels of the self, the most freely given sexual intimacy is based in this best form of friendship. And it takes time for this essential friendship to be built…it takes time to live a genuine love story…and I am confident that it’s certainly worth the time commitment and the wait.
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