Picture this: Frank stops by his friend [not acquaintance] Julia's house to return a book he borrowed. Julia opens the door enough to grab the book [a movie is playing in the background], thanks Frank for bringing it back, and starts to close the door. There is no mention of a busy schedule that prevents hospitality, no inquiry as to how Frank's day was...not a single remnant of polite conversation.
-------
We live in a world where people constantly whisk friends out of their houses so they can return to their homework, emails, or TV show, and where people generally lack charity in dealing with others. And I just don't get it.
Growing up, my mother always taught me and my sisters not only proper guest etiquette but also proper hosting etiquette--both such lessons were deemed proper, especially for young ladies, to learn [such etiquette applies regardless of age]. Simple gestures like offering a glass of water or a cup of tea, or even just offering a seat, to a friend who drops by are lovely ways to show someone that you truly care. These gestures provide opportunities for you to grow closer to your friends or even open the door to rewarding and fruitful discussions that you might not otherwise have shared [Of course, if you are genuinely too busy to talk to someone, it is fine not to offer, but you should then express your apologies for not having time at the moment and explain why].
So, why are we no longer embracing simple hospitable behaviors? I cannot help but blame our overly-busy lifestyles. In fact, I imagine that many people of my generation did not have the pleasure of learning how to host from their mothers because their mothers worked and didn't have time or a desire to impart such "domestic" knowledge upon their children. Many typical feminists might even assert that such knowledge about etiquette would only serve to unravel recent times' championships...they might say that we should reject such lessons in order to completely "overcome" our terrible past in which women were stereotyped as domestic housewives who simply doted over their family and all guests.
Hmmmm...Rejecting the idea of actually demonstrating that you care....How rude [and mean].
I find the inherently caring nature of women to be one of the most beautiful gifts that comes with being feminine. It is a shame that I have sometimes found my male friends to be more hospitable and generous than my female ones [this is not to say that I am not happy that guys are being so generous---I think it's fabulous that the burden of hospitality no longer only falls on ladies]. At the same time, it's not girls' faults if they don't know how to show compassion and charity in the little things...I truly do blame parents [especially mothers].
In a world where manners and politeness are commonly left for "special" occasions, we seem to have lost sight of the importance of kind [little] gestures' in establishing and maintaining good friendships [I don't care how close you are to someone; standards of politeness must always be maintained].
The sad thing is, I don't know how this will ever change...unless young ladies [who haven't had the pleasure of learning such etiquette from their mothers] start recognizing the loss of their more caring sides and change their behavior accordingly.
09 February 2010
03 January 2010
How a Lady Should Ensconce Herself
I was walking through the bookstore the other day only to be faced with a terrifying sight...a young lady sitting as if she were a beer-belly-ridden truck driver lounging on a sunken in couch. She was leaning so far back that her head hit the crease between the cushioned chair's back and seat, and her legs were spread open as if in a second position grand plie. All the while, she sat reading as if nothing was the matter.
I passed by her in utter horror.
This most recent sighting is just the icing on the cake of unladylike postures I've witnessed in recent weeks: Girls sitting spread eagle, young ladies laying down and showing off ALL of their tights [if you know what I mean], women wearing skirts that are both too short for standing and for sitting and being completely unaware of this fact---I don't know what has come over my generation, but whatever it is, it is completely unacceptable.
However comfortable the above-described positions might be, they are so unattractive and unladylike that I firmly believe it should never meet the public's eye [especially any position that reveals intimates of any sort]. Even wearing jeans, young ladies should be very conscientious of how they sit. When in public, crossed legs or legs close together with decent posture should be the goal regardless of the occasion.
It is a matter of pride and politeness. A young lady who shows the least bit of care as to how she physically presents herself is one who takes pride in her person. Just because you are no longer under the watchful eye of your mother who [if she was anything like mine] constantly made sure that you sat like a proper young lady does not mean that your careful presentation should cease---your mother was right. The more you practice proper manners, the less you have to think about it, which inevitably makes future formal occasions less stressful and more enjoyable. First impressions do, indeed, matter.
Sure...sit however you want in the comfort of your home while wearing loungewear...I don't care...No one formulates impressions of you when you're at home.
Politeness always trumps comfortableness in public. No matter what.
I passed by her in utter horror.
This most recent sighting is just the icing on the cake of unladylike postures I've witnessed in recent weeks: Girls sitting spread eagle, young ladies laying down and showing off ALL of their tights [if you know what I mean], women wearing skirts that are both too short for standing and for sitting and being completely unaware of this fact---I don't know what has come over my generation, but whatever it is, it is completely unacceptable.
However comfortable the above-described positions might be, they are so unattractive and unladylike that I firmly believe it should never meet the public's eye [especially any position that reveals intimates of any sort]. Even wearing jeans, young ladies should be very conscientious of how they sit. When in public, crossed legs or legs close together with decent posture should be the goal regardless of the occasion.
It is a matter of pride and politeness. A young lady who shows the least bit of care as to how she physically presents herself is one who takes pride in her person. Just because you are no longer under the watchful eye of your mother who [if she was anything like mine] constantly made sure that you sat like a proper young lady does not mean that your careful presentation should cease---your mother was right. The more you practice proper manners, the less you have to think about it, which inevitably makes future formal occasions less stressful and more enjoyable. First impressions do, indeed, matter.
Sure...sit however you want in the comfort of your home while wearing loungewear...I don't care...No one formulates impressions of you when you're at home.
Politeness always trumps comfortableness in public. No matter what.
***For young ladies who require assistance to remedy their bad habits, please read step-by-step instructions for how to sit like a lady HERE.***
30 November 2009
Eating Humble Cake [...i don't like pie...]
My entire life I have been blessed with great opportunities. Whether it was winning the science fair, attending competitive summer ballet intensives, being nominated for various honors, or just being recognized for any general academic experience, I have been fortunate enough to receive abundant recognition and reassurance that I'm doing well. Still, with such recognition, my parents have always carefully ensured that I maintain the utmost humility. In fact, growing up, it was rare that my various achievements would be the focus of any family conversation or activity; I never got prizes for good grades or rewards for outstanding achievements. Even though it wasn't expected that I would do fantastically and receive recognition, such achievements were not a surprise either.
Consequently, I more often than not downplay how proud I am of achievements. In fact, I am usually embarrassed by awards and whatnot [I'm even embarrassed by my birthday--yes, I am ridiculous]. There are few friends with whom I share any recognitions I've received, because I have this intense fear of coming across as arrogant and overly proud. Even though I enjoy celebrating the achievements of others, I simply cannot get it in my [thick] head that others might enjoy celebrating my achievements [that would just be absurd!].
I have, as a result, diagnosed myself with a case of "over-humility;" it seems that I ate too much of the humble cake when growing up.
My humbleness is out of an extreme desire to be polite and appealing [no one wants to be around an overbearing proud person]. I think that many women expect this kind of humility of themselves in a dire attempt to be accepted and not stand out. And those women who do not act humbly, those women with an intense desire to prove themselves in a world historically dominated by our male counterparts, are precisely the ones who make me want to be even more humble.
See, I think female humbleness is most associated with the "good ol' days" where motherhood was such an honor, prior to the advent of women in the workplace; women's achievements were all deeply personal and associated with the family. Now that women's achievements have extended beyond the domestic realm, I think that more traditionally-centered women struggle with how to recognize any "worldly" achievements they might have. There is an overwhelming sense that any achievement of mine is markedly minuscule in the grand scheme of things.
But this mentality is precisely what limits women from obtaining their clearest definition of self, a true sense of confidence that is both better for themselves and those around them. And I, like others, am guilty of this overly-humble mentality. With over-humility, one fails to celebrate the life which which she was blessed, which is quite sad...quite sad indeed.
I certainly applaud humility [as it is a genuine recognition of personal and human limitations], but as a friend told me, there is such a thing as good pride. It's okay to be proud of achievements...One must simply remember that people enjoy celebrating the achievements of others; it's part of our social nature. Plus, knowing that people are doing good things is a tiny reminder that the world is more full of hope than news headlines often lead us to believe.
So, as long as I maintain a respectful level of pride, I think it is perfectly acceptable to celebrate outstanding things I do. It will take some time to get used to this, but I think it will ultimately result in a greater level of personal contentedness as well as a more genuine humility.
It's about time that I lay off the cake a little bit...
Consequently, I more often than not downplay how proud I am of achievements. In fact, I am usually embarrassed by awards and whatnot [I'm even embarrassed by my birthday--yes, I am ridiculous]. There are few friends with whom I share any recognitions I've received, because I have this intense fear of coming across as arrogant and overly proud. Even though I enjoy celebrating the achievements of others, I simply cannot get it in my [thick] head that others might enjoy celebrating my achievements [that would just be absurd!].
I have, as a result, diagnosed myself with a case of "over-humility;" it seems that I ate too much of the humble cake when growing up.
See, I think female humbleness is most associated with the "good ol' days" where motherhood was such an honor, prior to the advent of women in the workplace; women's achievements were all deeply personal and associated with the family. Now that women's achievements have extended beyond the domestic realm, I think that more traditionally-centered women struggle with how to recognize any "worldly" achievements they might have. There is an overwhelming sense that any achievement of mine is markedly minuscule in the grand scheme of things.
But this mentality is precisely what limits women from obtaining their clearest definition of self, a true sense of confidence that is both better for themselves and those around them. And I, like others, am guilty of this overly-humble mentality. With over-humility, one fails to celebrate the life which which she was blessed, which is quite sad...quite sad indeed.
I certainly applaud humility [as it is a genuine recognition of personal and human limitations], but as a friend told me, there is such a thing as good pride. It's okay to be proud of achievements...One must simply remember that people enjoy celebrating the achievements of others; it's part of our social nature. Plus, knowing that people are doing good things is a tiny reminder that the world is more full of hope than news headlines often lead us to believe.
So, as long as I maintain a respectful level of pride, I think it is perfectly acceptable to celebrate outstanding things I do. It will take some time to get used to this, but I think it will ultimately result in a greater level of personal contentedness as well as a more genuine humility.
It's about time that I lay off the cake a little bit...
09 October 2009
What comes next?
One of my friends recently sent me a link to the oh so lovely NY Times article, "Blue is the New Black" by Maureen Dowd. In the article, Dowd asserts that the reason women are less happy now then about 30 years ago is because new gender-equality has presented women with an over-abundance of choices: marriage, work, family, kids, travel, etc., etc. Of course, I don't think this is the case at all. In fact, I think that Dowd and everyone in accordance with her are quite out of their minds and underestimating women [Of course choices can be stressful (duh)! But everyone has to make them, and having to make decisions does not yield long-term "less-than-happiness"].
My gut reaction in response to Dowd's assertions was that women are in this general "funk" of less-than-happiness , not because they can't handle the stress of choice, but rather because they have yet to truly embrace themselves, that is, they have yet to truly love being women [yes, one of my favorite themes].
But after some thought and personal reflection, I don't think my gut-reaction was right.
See, I have found myself in a "funk" lately, as well, and I think that my "funk" of less-than-happiness parallels what many women may be feeling now. I have always been one to look for what comes next, whether it be colleges, work, internships, or any other kind of opportunity. I thrive on the potential for something else, something new. But what happens when there isn't anything next? What happens when things are working out and the next is already kind of figured out? Or, worse, what if there is no obvious "next"?
I am currently settled in at school, buckled down for another approximately 2 years of undergrad. There's nothing "next" other than grad school, which is pretty much a given, and (hopefully) a family. Now I'm creating the next, the next is waiting for me to take it...I'm no longer waiting for the next to happen. Now the next is up to me; there's no set plan [hopefully this is making some kind of sense outside of my head].
Like me, women are unsure of what comes next....there's no clear plan for what to aim for, since it seems that we now have that for which we were waiting. See, prior to all of the workplace and societal advancements towards greater gender-equality, women were always waiting for their "next"--the realization of rights that they knew they deserved, so there was some kind of intrinsic excitement and purpose among the female population. Now that this "next" has generally come, women are faced with a lull, a time of not waiting for any kind of "next," a time of awkward uncertainty and lack of intrinsic purpose.
This is not to say that advancements still need not be made in favor of women, but it is to say that things have undeniably come a long way in favor of women.
Thus, as far as I can tell, this lack of happiness that Dowd notes among the female population, is a lack of a new "frontier" for women rather than an overwhelmed stress. So, perhaps women need to pick up a new next; perhaps, in order to be happy and feel purpose-driven once again, women need to take a look at themselves and learn how to truly love themselves for all that they are. Perhaps women need to take a closer look at what it means to be a woman; they need to look at the graces bestowed upon them. They need to learn how to embrace their newly found rights and not lose their intrinsic femininity.
Ladies just need to learn to be genuinely content with where they are.
That's what I'm trying to do. And I think that's a pretty good next.
My gut reaction in response to Dowd's assertions was that women are in this general "funk" of less-than-happiness , not because they can't handle the stress of choice, but rather because they have yet to truly embrace themselves, that is, they have yet to truly love being women [yes, one of my favorite themes].
But after some thought and personal reflection, I don't think my gut-reaction was right.
See, I have found myself in a "funk" lately, as well, and I think that my "funk" of less-than-happiness parallels what many women may be feeling now. I have always been one to look for what comes next, whether it be colleges, work, internships, or any other kind of opportunity. I thrive on the potential for something else, something new. But what happens when there isn't anything next? What happens when things are working out and the next is already kind of figured out? Or, worse, what if there is no obvious "next"?
I am currently settled in at school, buckled down for another approximately 2 years of undergrad. There's nothing "next" other than grad school, which is pretty much a given, and (hopefully) a family. Now I'm creating the next, the next is waiting for me to take it...I'm no longer waiting for the next to happen. Now the next is up to me; there's no set plan [hopefully this is making some kind of sense outside of my head].
Like me, women are unsure of what comes next....there's no clear plan for what to aim for, since it seems that we now have that for which we were waiting. See, prior to all of the workplace and societal advancements towards greater gender-equality, women were always waiting for their "next"--the realization of rights that they knew they deserved, so there was some kind of intrinsic excitement and purpose among the female population. Now that this "next" has generally come, women are faced with a lull, a time of not waiting for any kind of "next," a time of awkward uncertainty and lack of intrinsic purpose.
This is not to say that advancements still need not be made in favor of women, but it is to say that things have undeniably come a long way in favor of women.
Thus, as far as I can tell, this lack of happiness that Dowd notes among the female population, is a lack of a new "frontier" for women rather than an overwhelmed stress. So, perhaps women need to pick up a new next; perhaps, in order to be happy and feel purpose-driven once again, women need to take a look at themselves and learn how to truly love themselves for all that they are. Perhaps women need to take a closer look at what it means to be a woman; they need to look at the graces bestowed upon them. They need to learn how to embrace their newly found rights and not lose their intrinsic femininity.
Ladies just need to learn to be genuinely content with where they are.
That's what I'm trying to do. And I think that's a pretty good next.
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