Ode to hats

Ever since I was a little girl, whenever my mother would take me into a department store, my focus for the entire shopping trip would be to get to the hat section and try on as many fashion hats as humanly possible. My mom would always chuckle and tell me that I had a good face for donning such hats [hats with feathers, hats with bows, hats with 12 inch brims], but then would tell me to set them aside as we moved on to more important things.

The golden age of fashion hats seems to have come to an end. Even if I owned a hat, I'm afraid my sentiment would be that of Erma Bombeck, who once said, "I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it." You just don't see young ladies wearing hats anymore...and I don't really understand why.

Firstly, hats are most practical in the summer time [especially for pale people like me] and when it's colder out [they keep your head warm]. Secondly, hats draw attention to your face and indubitably make whatever you say seem much more important than if you weren't wearing a hat. Thirdly, young men still wear classy fashion hats, so young ladies should, as well [harumph!]. Fourthly, you can wear fashion hats pretty much anywhere [Emily Post says so].

With all of these reasons in mind, I have decided that if/when I go to graduate school, I will expand my accessory collection to include hats...fancy hats. I will wear hats with bows, hats with feathers, hats covered in lace, and hats with ginormous brims. I will wear hats that, today, scream "lady going to hear a Baptist sermon on Sunday," all for the sake of classic femininity and fulfilling my childhood dream.

Who knows? Maybe other ladies will follow suit; after all, with all of the above reasons in mind [especially the visual importance gained from such hats], I cannot imagine ladies not wanting to do so.

I know one thing, though---I absolutely cannot wait to walk into Nordstrom and finally buy a hat.

Tasting Stars

"Come quickly, I am tasting stars!"
Dom Pérignon at the moment of his discovery of champagne

Ever since I turned 21, I have received numerous requests from friends to write an entry about "how to drink like a lady." Being the stubborn woman that I am, though, I felt that such a post was silly or not worth my time...well, my stubbornness has subsided [for the time being].

For me, being a true lady entails not only behaving a certain way but also having knowledge about various things, both cultural and academic [there is nothing less appealing than a woman who has nothing to say and no opinion on a matter]. So, when I turned 21, I set out to attain vast knowledge about the world of spirits. I do not claim to be a connoisseur of drinking, but I have certainly taken it upon myself to learn a fair deal about how to order a drink [or two].

Please note that my advice is solely with respect to spirits--I do not provide any advice about beer [not a very feminine drink if you ask me] or wine, which is always a classy option, and I think that every lady [and gentleman] should have basic knowledge of wine, whether she drinks it or not.

My first piece of advice advice for ladies who want to enter in the world of drinking [or just learn about it...you don't have to drink spirits to know about them] is to not be afraid to talk to a bartender or mixologist [mixologists are, by far, preferred for the learning process---they have special training and tend to know about pre-prohibition drinks (very classy). If you wanted to learn about teeth, you'd talk to someone who works with teeth; so, if you want to learn about spirits, you'd talk to someone who works with spirits]. The thing is, though, that you have to be exceptionally careful about from whom you ask advice. You do not want to learn about the world of fine beverages from your local sports bar [no!]; you want to venture to a nicer bar, renowned for its style and variety of fine brands. Go with some friends and simply talk to the tender...ask questions. My favorite question to ask is, "What is that funny shaped bottle of?" [not only do I learn when I ask this, but I also get a free sample 9/10 times].

My second piece of advice to ladies is, after attaining a general knowledge about finer beverages, to pick one or two spirits and learn a lot about them. This means you must do two things: First, you must visit places that specialize in whatever your spirit choices are; Second, you must read about the spirits online to acquire knowledge about mixed beverages and brand tastes/reputations. Even if you do not drink, this knowledge can help in making recommendations and simply in showing your cultural knowledge [very impressive].

For example, a lady who chooses to learn about gin will learn about the different brands of gin, what makes each brand have a distinct taste, and various mixed drinks that have gin in them. Furthermore, she will know what drink to recommend when [a gin gimlet might be best consumed in a cocktail setting whereas a gin & tonic might be consumed with food]. Finally, I find it far more appealing for a lady to enjoy simple drinks with 4 or less ingredients [no Long Islands...sorry].

On a similar note, once you find a drink you like, stick to it---make it your "signature." There is something to be said for a lady who knows what she likes and is reliable in her tastes. So, if you really like ordering sparkling water with cranberry juice, order it regularly! Also, do not "lower" your standards of quality or brand to save money...if you have good taste, do not accept anything but the best, for the best is precisely what you deserve. It is far better to have only one very nice beverage than several disgusting drinks.

My final advice to ladies who do elect to drink spirits is to learn their limits. There is nothing more unattractive than a lady who chooses to repeatedly make a fool of herself in public [case in point: Snooki]. Everyone makes mistakes [that is part of being human and a part of the learning process], but you must be sure to learn from them.

Once the above knowledge is attained, any lady should feel most comfortable in a setting where spirits are consumed, whether she drinks or not [she will, most likely, floor her companions with her impressive knowledge...and put her male friends in their proper places]. It is a social knowledge area in which I feel all ladies should be somewhat competent.

Hopefully these general suggestions will quell my friends' requests for a discussion on spirits.

Manners Matter

So, this semester has been rough for me. This past week has been exceptionally rough for me. Details aside, I have been going through an array of emotions on a daily basis, ranging from anger to euphoric joy at points. Lots of us go through times like this. You feel like you have no control, like your life is spiraling and moving around you without you having any say in what comes next. At times, you feel hopeless. [Well, at least, that's how I feel some times...lately].

Of course, ways of coping with this include spending time with friends, seeking consolation and help when needed, and just trying to remind yourself of happy things that happen each day [I have recently taken to making a list each day, and it certainly helps]. All of these things provide a certain sense of hope. Now, of course, this hope is fantastically helpful and emotionally healthy, but sometimes I know I want something a little more, shall we say, tangible. I want to be able to do something that actively makes me realize my hope...in little ways.

After some self-reflection, I have come to realize that my way of little-by-little bringing my hope into reality is via my manners. That's right--when I feel exceptionally upset or at a loss for hope, I consciously try to have very, very good manners. I try more than usual to smile and say hello to people when our eyes cross, I focus on little polite rules like holding doors and saying "please" and "thank you," I carry myself in an upright and forward looking fashion despite feeling bogged down [of course, I only intentionally apply these manners when in public...around friends, I think it's important to be able to scream and say whatever you think, since coping with feelings is important]. Essentially, I engage more in my femininity, that is, my inherent desire to reach out warmly to and care for other people.

I have found that this intentional politeness inevitably brightens my day, because the people to whom I am polite almost always smile or say "thank you." Such kindness and gratefulness from strangers fill me with hope and joy, even when I feel like all else is a mess. Although having supportive and caring friends is helpful, it's that unexpected kindness that gives me an often needed boost of joy and positivity. It just goes to show that an awareness of your being, your feminine instinct to reach out to others, is more than just an identity--it is a source of true fulfillment even when you feel at your worst.

Bra-Burning Feminism: The Exposition of Women

A little over a month ago, my B.F.A. [Beloved Friend Andrea] and I decided to learn more about pro-pornography feminists by watching a documentary entitled "The Naked Feminist" [hey, it was only 99cents on itunes...and we followed it up with the latest DieHard movie to give us a decent dose of misogyny]. The goal in watching the movie was to better understand how people who felt differently from us thought about the sex industry; we just wanted to learn about the "other side" [we like to be informed].

Well, needless to say, it was quite an interesting viewing experience. It wound up being fairly informative about the sex industry and the role that women have had in it. Even though I don't personally support it [surprise! I find it rather demeaning to all parties involved] and have lots of issues with the situations [health risks, personal safety, etc.] that these women put themselves in, at least I can now say that I kind-of-sort-of understand where they're coming from. Much of the film focused on the supposedly positive aspects of porn, including women empowering themselves and making their own decisions about when they perform, with whom they perform, how often they work, and oftentimes women even producing or directing pornography scenes. The sex industry was presented as a kind of normal business in which women can work their ways up the hierarchical ladder.

And all these arguments are swell [kind of], but the movie neglected to seriously address the recent rise in negative pornography, that is, performances that include acts of violence or crudity that intentionally dehumanize female performers. In the film, all of the women interviewed spoke out against such trends, saying that the women participating in these violent films are not as empowered as they should be---if they were, they wouldn't partake in them. True; these women probably do have deep seeded psychological issues. BUT, it is also true that the introduction of the porn industry is precisely what opened up the doors to such violent actions.

No matter how much the women in the documentary wanted to undermine recent trends in porn and vehemently spoke out against its practices, the fact remains that the very industry they support, the "positive porn," is the grandmother of these new trends. As Nathan Harden writes in his recent article reviewing a new book [Pornland],:

[T]he goal of much [pornography today] seems to be to depict the maximum amount of humiliation for the girl on screen. One website proudly offers its customers the opportunity to "access total degradation."

That's right. Pornography sights are advertising degradation and dehumanization. Lovely.

So, what does this reveal about "good" porn? Well, personally, I think it shows that there really is no such thing as "good" porn if it led to something as terrible as the degradation that happens today. Even though some porn may be objectively better than others, the fact remains that the initially "well-intentioned" pornography wound up leading to a business culture in which certain women do terrible things that truly humiliate them as people.

It was the introduction of the porn industry and the initial female zealous support of it that opened the door to a future that would allow such terrible things. The wave of bra-burning feminism that swept the country in the 1960s was all about sexual liberation of women--liberation from rules, social guidelines and, ultimately, any notion of sexual morality. But this empowerment and sense of liberation, in my mind, was not, and is still not, at all genuine. Sometimes strictures are precisely what allow for true liberation. In the case of female sexuality, I really think concepts of modesty and chastity are essential to female empowerment. Deciding when and with whom to perform agreed upon sex acts on film is not my idea of liberation [it really is a capitalist-driven industry that legally permits the selling of bodies]; rather, being empowered enough to show yourself [fully clothed...& in public] as a person who demands perennial respect is true liberation from male-domination. It is such personal moral guidelines that allow for true equality and mutual respect. Pornography was never destined to liberate women---women are more than sexual objects. And true equality comes from respectable personhood rather than dangerously thoughtless over-exposure.

It's depressing to think about where misguided bra-burning feminism has taken the porn industry---it has exposed women to, perhaps, greater inequality and disrespect than before [even though the minority of women are in these performances, the performances themselves create a culture that fosters disrespect...the average age of exposure to porn is now 11 for boys]. It ennerves me to no end.

I wholeheartedly believe that a lady should have standards for herself and how others treat her. It is the best defense against the threats of frightening misogyny.