Becoming Katelyn

The other day I was looking through old photos trying to see if I could find a picture to use as my new Facebook profile pic [Come on, we all do it. And on a similar note, anyone who has a camera built in their laptop takes pictures of themselves. Pure facts.] Anyways, I was surprised to realize that I didn't find my appearance in more recently taken pictures to be completely appalling and hideous.

I actually got up to double check that the person in the pictures was actually me, looked in the mirror, and said to myself, "By golly, Katelyn Christine, I say... you are not a hideous-looking person." Never before had I looked at myself that way [that is, as relatively pretty]. I will admit, it caught me off guard, especially since I consider myself to be very pragmatic [perhaps so pragmatic that it sometimes approaches pessimistic]. Normally, I avoid looking at myself in the mirror, and when I do decide to glance at my reflection, I constantly shoot myself down with extreme criticisms of my physical being. But, like I said, this time it was different.

I have mulled over why I could have possibly experienced this sudden change in perception...I haven't started presenting myself any differently; I haven't started a new grooming routine; I haven't taken any "the world is beautiful and wonderful pills" [at least that I know of]; I haven't stopped being pragmatic. So, basically, I've experienced some sort of deep change within myself.

Over the past few years, I really think that I have grown very much as a person. I am now at a point where I am content with who I am. While I had previously thought that this contented state was only with regards to my personality and whatnot, I think this contentedness has extended to my appreciation for myself as a whole. That is to say, my general happiness with who I am personality-wise has expanded to make me generally happy with who I am physically.

I once read something along the lines of, "It is easier to live through someone else than to become complete yourself." Prior to now, I think I had always done just this...I wasn't complete, because I chose to focus on the beauty of the world without and never worried about finding the beauty within myself.

I feel like my personal sentiments are not isolated. I am sure that other young ladies experience similar feelings toward themselves. In fact, guys and gals alike deal with the issue of not necessarily being content with how they look. I mean, who hasn't looked in the mirror and pointed out everything wrong? [Love handles, blotchy complexion, arm fat, ugly hair, oily skin, fat calves...Just watch Mean Girls] It's weird, because we seem to say these things to ourselves without any prompting from another person; we just constantly compare ourselves to those around us and those special, famous people who live in their "bubble of beauty." We focus so much on others in making such comparisons that we essentially avoid completely becoming ourselves [life turns into a 24/7 silently vicious beauty pageant]. And completely becoming yourself inevitably entails completely accepting yourself at all levels.

It's interesting, to me at least, that I became comfortable with my invisible person before my physical appearance. I guess this speaks to human nature [or maybe it's just my nature] in that people tend to judge themselves more frequently/easily with regards to the tangible "wrongs;" it then follows that it is harder to embrace and love one's appearance than it is to love one's innate person.

Most people get so wrapped up in how they compare to others that they don't necessarily find the beauty within themselves. Coming to completely embrace yourself is certainly a long process, but I think it can be helped along by surrounding yourself with positive influences. While I may have made it seem like my recent revelation of sorts has purely stemmed from what I've done, the reality is that I could never have come to such a realization had I not surrounded myself with truly wonderful people who help me grow and show me the beauty in myself that I have a hard time seeing. It's always nice to hear that other people care about and love you, but if you're anything like me, you rarely take it seriously. In all honesty, until recently, whenever people complimented me, I always assumed either that they were being polite or had some sort of ulterior motive. My closest friendships have helped me come to the realization that I am not an all-around terrible person and, in turn, have helped me to come to embrace myself.

Now, I'm not saying that I think I'm perfect [gosh...I'm far from it] or that I am utterly obsessed with my appearance and how wonderful how I am. Rather, I have have come to embrace myself, good and bad alike, and I accept who I am. I truly love the gift of life I have been given and plan to take full advantage of it. It's nice to finally not feel the need to excuse any compliments or constantly bash myself down at all levels. After all, I am only human...perfection is virtually unattainable, no matter how much I control things. I'm sure I'll still have days of intensely criticizing myself--I mean, that's just part of who I am--but at least it won't be all the time. Basically, some of the pressure is off...I have finally become myself.

I expect that this recent revelation will help me to be prouder than ever of my femininity [that's right---more brooches and pearls coming :-)]. Perhaps all women need a similar realization to help them see their wonderfully feminine beauty; for beauty does come from within and takes time to foster [maybe that's why Jane Austen says that a woman can be more beautiful at 29 than at 20].

I hope that everyone, men and women alike, has the chance to experience the joy that stems from embracing all that they are. It is, after all, quite a nice feeling.

"Just look into the mirror and see your face. When the criticism drops away, what you will see then is just you, without judgment, and that is the first step toward transforming your experience of the world."-Oprah